5 Friends to Bond in a Church

[KeithE]

At a deacon training meeting yesterday it was said by our Minister to Families that studies have shown that it takes on average 5 friends within a church to make a prospective member join (and continue) in a local church.

Interesting.

[William Thornton]

[Ed Pettibone]

[KeithE]

I would too. I googled but found nothing. I guess I could ask her but I thought someone herein might know of the study(ies).

The exact number is not important. Having opportunities for people to meet is important however.

[William Thornton]

My thought and experience is that there are folks like Ed who don't need to make significant relationships in a new church but that most people will have such a need. It's the "Cheers" thing.

I'd bet that Trudy and Keith's pastor consider it important to cultivate an atmosphere of openness and inclusion where new people can fit in.

[Ed Pettibone]

[William Thornton]

Ed, my experience is that most people who have visited churches I pastor did not desire anonymity nor to be left alone. They were likely present because of some level of relationship with a member and would join and stay as a result of developing further connections, relationships, and friendships. I saw it as part of my role to encourage and model a friendly and welcoming demeanor and also to create and promote opportunities wherein new people could make these connections, relationships, and friendships.

I rarely heard anyone complain that a congregation or minister was overly friendly but I regularly heard people complain about unfriendly churches and aloof ministers. In fact, I would usually ask new people in my church about their experiences visiting around in churches in my area. Almost invariably, they would comment on how unfriendly many churches were. After I retired from the pastorate and had a chance to visit around myself, I confirmed what these people told me - doggone if most churches were unfriendly to first time guests.

Keith's minister's comment had more to do with assimilation than first time impressions but I'd guess that there is a strong correlation between a church perceived as unfriendly and a church that has difficulty assimilating new members.

[Dave Roberts]

[Ed Pettibone]

Ed: So William and Dave, how do you introduce yourself when "visiting around" '? When Visiting churches do your wives go along? How are you dressed compared to most of the men in the congregation? What sort of churches are you visiting? Do you carry a Bible if so is it the same version most of them have or do they even have Bibles or do they rely on pew Bibles?

I am asking because I would like to find why your reception has been so different than mine. In other threads I have have mentioned that in my adult single years I did get less affirmation from some churches after some time, when they became aware that I was single, but I can not relate to the questioning looks on first visits.

[Tim Bonney]

I've also heard it said that a person needs to be involved in at least three facets of congregational life to assimilate. For example, a worship service, a Bible Study, and a fellowship group. Or, any combination of other activities that involves them in three or more parts of the church.

Like the above I've not seen a study. But it is also a statement about involvement being important to assimilation.

[William Thornton]

[Ed Pettibone]

[William Thornton]

This is one of those bizzare conversations with Ed that have always flummoxed me. I'm not sure why on a generic subject like friendliness in churches Ed takes a combative posture...but I'll try to be patient and explain things.

My comment to Dave has a longer story so I'll leave it for later.

On my (and my wife's) perception that churches we visited were unfriendly, I don't mind being quizzed by a colleague on how this unfriendliness was expressed but at base, I'd say to Ed or anyone that it is not allowable to argue with someone about their feelings and impressions. If a person visited my church and found it to be unfriendly, it would be improper to argue with them that they were wrong about that. If one wants honest feedback then one has to accept what is offered and try and learn from that starting point.

As to exactly how I came to the conclusion that churches I visited were unfriendly, here are a few specifics. These are pretty standard.
1. No one other than the pastor or a staff member introduced themselves to us before or after the service.
2. We were only greeted during the canned greeting time in the service.
3. We arrived early and members who came in later chose to sit some distance from us. It was comical in one church. No one sat in the pew in front of us, behind us, and only on the opposite end of the pew we were on.
4. Suspicious looks.

My view is that churches are not deliberately unfriendly and don't see themselves as such but are oblivious to how they are perceived by guests. Most SBC churches around here think they are friendly are would be offended to be told otherwise. It just takes some deliberate and purposeful actions by members of the congregation to be considered friendly.

Learn something here, Ed, and get the chip off your shoulder.

[Dave Roberts]

[William Thornton]

Ed, it seems a bit aggressive for a guest to "introduce himself around" when visiting a church for the first time. I'm not running for office. When greeted, I give my name and introduce my wife by name. That's pretty normal.

[Sandy]

[KeithE]

[William Thornton]

I agree with everyone here but Ed, particularly your minister, Keith, who sounds like a really good church staff person.

I know of one SBC pastor who had a rule that a guest could attend three times but had to join after that or go somewhere else.

[Ed Pettibone]

[William Thornton]

Ed, I think you are a bit out of touch on this. You don't get to lecture people on their expectations when the show up for worship. Guests almost always expect to have some degree of congenial interaction through which they are made to be relaxed and feel that they are welcomed to join in the service of worship. If you have no such expectations, good for you, but most will. The comparison to a restaurant or theater is not apt.

The standard advice to churches is that if you have a canned greeting time and it is the only time a guest is spoken to, you have failed. We had such a time but I generally circulated around prior to the service and spoke to folks.

[Tim Bonney]

William I've had varied experiences myself. At one church the greeter asked me "what are you looking for?" rather sharply as I was looking for the sanctuary. You'd think the greeter would point me to the sanctuary.

Other chuches were friendly in a way that was almost too friendly. I visited one little church where I was pulled to the front and asked to introduce myself. Any introvert would never come back.

[Tim Bonney]

[Ed Pettibone]

[Ed Pettibone]

[William Thornton]